Am I Doing Q-Fest Wrong?

So as y’all might already know, this is my second time going on the Q-Fest San Francisco trip. It was an absolutely incredible trip all things considered, and definitely one I’m never going to forget. When people say that you learn a lot about yourself on these types of immersion trips, they’re completely right. I definitely learned more about myself after the trip, but not in the way you would probably assume. What I mean is, despite being in the so-called queer capital of the world, I don’t feel like this trip really changed or developed anything about my identity as a queer person.

Like I said earlier, I did learn more about myself. I learned a lot about my work ethic, my personal strengths and weaknesses, my perspectives and philosophies, and my aesthetic tastes. But with my queer identity/identities, San Francisco didn’t teach me anything that I didn’t already know. I don’t want to imply that no one learns anything about their identity from the trip, because honestly it feels like everyone who went on the trip learned something except for me. And it makes sense for people who didn’t grow up around queer people and/or queer affirming people, but like, I didn’t grow up with that either, so why am I the outlier?

Apart from media and the internet, the only other queer people I had in my life were the like seven other gay people who went to my school, and they were all assholes! As for my parents, they weren’t outwardly homophobic per say, but even as a kid it was clear that they would’ve preferred a kid who was straight. And cisgender. They really wanted me to be a boy, but they got whatever the hell I am instead (lol stay mad #ratio).

At no point in my life have I ever been a masculine person, in any sense of the word. And even though I’ve always been drawn to more feminine things, I don’t know if I consider myself to be a feminine person. So, am I a binary trans person? Nonbinary? Agender? Gender fluid? I don’t know, and I don’t care. I’m like Bugs Bunny, my gender is whatever is funniest at the moment. Man? Woman? Bro, I’m literally a rabbit doing drag, leave me alone.

In a way, college was my San Francisco. It was a chance for me to experiment with my identity among queer affirming people. By the time I was 16, I knew that I was Primrose, but it wasn’t until I got to college that I could finally let them breathe. By the time I took my first trip to San Francisco, I had already spent four-ish years learning who Primrose was, so there wasn’t much for San Francisco to teach me about them that I didn’t already know. I understand that the ability to explore your identity is a privilege that not every college student gets, which is why programs like Q-Fest are so important.

Everyone should have the opportunity to live as the person they are meant to be. Some people, like me, know who we are as soon as we’re born, and some people need a little more time. However/whenever you learn who you are is completely valid, and if you learn more about yourself in beautiful San Francisco, hey more power to you!