Identity
Since arriving in San Francisco and living in the Castro my mind has been unexpectedly challenged in so many ways. Specifically, one aspect of the brain challenge has been my self-identity. Self-identity is so important because it is a deep understanding of who a person is. Everyone’s self-identity is different and it’s what makes everyone unique. Everyone has a path they take in life, where over time it slowly builds a solid concept of their own identity. Along this path they discover what they enjoy and what they may not enjoy as much. They will find their passions, people they love and what makes them wake up in the morning. These tasks are easier for some and more difficult for others. Some of these self-discoveries are cloudier and require extra tall mountains to climb to find clarity. However, once we reach the top of the mountain it is a great accomplishment of self-discovery. The misconception is that after difficult mountains, we hit the finish line however, we really just found another piece to the puzzle. So, what does this all lead up to? A question that is asked so frequently and I always get it wrong:
Who am I?
We believe we have the answers until we encounter a new experience questioning our thoughts and suddenly everything changes. Recently, I hit this wall hard because of two conversations and a documentary movie.
Today, I watched a movie called Butterfly with Annie. The movie is a documentary about a female Italian boxer who is exploring her sexuality. The main focus of the movie was her boxing career and it showed very little of her queerness. At the end of the movie, I turned to Annie and said I really enjoyed this movie but it didn’t mention her sexuality at all so I think we shouldn’t bring the movie. Annie said I disagree, and I think the movie would be perfect to bring back to Eau Claire. At this moment, I was SO confused. After the short conversation, the Q&A started for the movie. Right off the bat the director started to discuss about why he did not focus on her sexuality. Making a full circle of why I thought we shouldn’t bring the movie. The director said I didn’t want to highlight her sexuality because that does not define her. There is so much more to her than her sexuality.
That one sentence hit me so hard. I felt like coyote just caught road runner. The rest of the day, I was pondering what all happened, and it was a lot for me to take in. Especially, because this whole theme began when I first arrived in San Francisco. I was out to dinner with my aunts and we had a very good discussion about why queer does not define me. I kept that in the back of my mind where I was aware of it but didn’t let it sink in and really dig deep. This movie and discussion were the gateway that really got me thinking about the queer identity and how valuable it is.
For the past 20 years, I have been answering this question “who am I?” wrong up until now. Once I knew I was gay I thought that was the whole puzzle, but this is very incorrect. I now realize this is just another piece to my puzzle. I’m not a gay student but rather a student who happens to be gay. I’m not gay person who loves coffee, I’m a coffee lover who happens to be gay. I’m not gay person who enjoys running, I’m a runner who happens to be gay. This whole being gay aspect of my life I thought defined me because it’s what separates me from most of the population but in actuality there is so much more to a person than just their sexuality. I thought that because it separated me it defined me however, separation is not definition. So, this got me thinking, why did I focus on this aspect of my life so much? Is it because of where I was raised? Is it because of a lack of role models? I do not have the answer to this question but that’s okay.
After this experience, I’ve learned that there’s more to me that I don’t know yet and that I really need to flesh out ideas and really dig deep into them rather than just look at the surface. This trip has been changing me in ways I didn’t think it would.
