The Silent T: Internalized Transphobia Within the Queer Community

 As we head into our two week California trip, I am extremely excited for the opportunities that lie ahead. The potential learning experiences are endless, and I am thrilled to immerse myself in a world so different from the one I am used to. This experience will also provide a chance for a lot of personal growth, as well as the chance to embrace my identity and challenge my norm of behavior.

 While it seems that my identity within the LGBT+ community would not often contradict itself, in fact, it often does. Identifying as a gay man of trans experience can sometimes feel like identifying as two antonyms. How does one cope with being gay and trans at the same time? Misconceptions run wild even within the community — while we may not like to admit it, the queer community (particularly gay men) have a fixation on sex and sexual experiences. This is not a bad thing per say, as the queer community has always been accepting of even the most extreme sexual preferences. But what it can lead to (and often times does lead to) is an underlying layer of transphobia. While I don’t argue with someone necessarily declining to hook up with someone because they are trans, it’s painful to be written off from a potential romantic relationship because of gender identity. It’s unfortunate, but it happens often. It’s happened to me. Even with the cis men I have dated, there has been a common pattern in their mindset. A statement comes to mind that I’ve heard throughout my experience in the dating world — “I love you even though you’re trans”. When I first heard that, it brought me comfort. Peace of mind. But as years went by, I found myself questioning that phrase — you love me even though I am trans? What does that mean? You are not a saint because you have overlooked a “flaw” of mine, nor do I carry a flaw that needs to be overlooked.

While not intended as a hurtful statement (quite the contrary, in fact), the deliverance of this phrase still unsettles me to this day — and this mindset in the gay community is one that is a disguise for a lot of transphobia. And eventually, for me, it was one that was a disguise for my own internalized transphobia. “I love you — even though you’re trans” can quickly turn into “I love myself — even though I’m trans”. Why should my gender identity be the exception in my declaration of my own self-love? To keep this mindset was to see being trans as having a flaw — and the dominant assumptions society makes about trans people only reinforce this. Trans people are more accepted in society when we can “pass” — when we can appear as cisgender as possible. The more we can hide our trans-ness, the more acceptable we become to the dominant cisgender population. We become a “good” trans person.

So where do I let my identity fall? Boldness about my trans identity would be freeing, but also dangerous. I am no stranger to hate crimes and I pray to never be the victim of one. Therefore, a fully outward expression is out of the question. But I know that a safe middle ground exists, and eventually, I intend to come to that place. When I think about what that place will look like for me, I believe that it will be a strong pride in my identity —one that I did not previously have. That will not necessarily be a desire to tell everyone or be out to everyone, but I want to be able to say “I am trans” (when I can) without feelings of guilt or shame. This peace and this pride is something I hope to find — or at least begin finding — on this trip. With what I hear about the Castro and about San Francisco Pride, it is a place to be completely and utterly yourself. Combined with the opportunities I will have to view films that depict diverse and thought-provoking experiences, I have a feeling that this will be an immense opportunity for growth.

Overall, this is a chance for me to explore my own place and identity within forced assumptions of trans people. In a broader sense, this will be an examination of society’s effect on the community as a whole, and how/why impacting factors lead to the creation and pride of our identities as queer individuals. In short… I want to love myself a little more, and open my eyes to more of the world in the process. I can’t wait to get started.