Nerves and Butterflies
I am leaving for San Francisco in four days, and I have nerves.
Not all of my nerves come from a place of fear. Although some of them do, many of my nerves come from a place of excitement, a place of joy, and a place that craves a new environment. I’m sure that many of the other members in our cohort feel the same way- at least I hope I’m not the only one. I still haven’t completely processed the fact that I will be in a totally new and different area in less than a week.
And then it hits me.
What if I forget something important in Eau Claire? What happens if I feel nauseous before the flight? What if the airport loses my luggage? How am I going to pack everything I need? (should definitely get on that soon). I distinctly remember in one of our first meetings as a cohort, when we were asked the question “how many of us have never been on a flight before?” only one other student and I raised our hands. Is it weird to think that being one of the two students in our cohort who has never flown on a plane before makes me feel more at a disadvantage?
What’s it going to be like when I actually get there? What if it’s not what I was expecting?
In my head, I have constantly envisioned what I think San Francisco is going to look like for months. I have imagined what I think the air is going to smell like, how busy I think the sidewalks are going to be, how big the screens are going to be in all of the theatres, and what kind of street art I hope to see. I have envisioned what the pictures I plan to take look like, how the restaurants and cafes I plan to visit will smell, and how I will feel when visiting the pride parades. As I get closer and closer to the day I leave, I can’t help but wonder if my expectations of this trip are going to be different from what I actually experience.
Being away from Eau Claire for a long period of time also fills me with nerves.
Growing up, I never traveled out of the Midwest with my family- mostly because we couldn’t afford to. It wasn’t until high school where I had the opportunity to travel to New York for five days with a large group of other high schoolers - where I felt like I barely had an opportunity to truly explore the city. Through these past three years of being a student at UW- Eau Claire, I can truly say that Eau Claire has become my home- in both a physical and emotional sense. Because of the people I have met, the safe spaces I have created for myself, and the opportunities I have gained, I find it hard to leave the place I now call home- even if it is only for a short period of time.
Although I have my nerves, I also constantly think about everything I am excited to experience these next couple of weeks.
I am leaving for San Francisco in four days, and I have butterflies.
I’m so excited to grow closer to the other students and faculty members we are traveling with, to watch all of the films I previewed and now have tickets for, and to explore and take in everything San Francisco has to offer. I’m excited to immerse myself in the variety of street art- and reflect on the messages behind the art itself. I’m excited to connect what I have learned about the history of San Francisco and see the historical landmarks in person that makes San Francisco such a valuable part of queer history.
But what I am most excited about is to explore more of my queer identity.
Learning more about my own identity these past couple of years has had its ups and downs while residing in Eau Claire. Having the Gender and Sexuality Resource Center on campus has truly changed my life in many ways. One of those ways has been helping me realize that I am nonbinary. As I continue to learn what it means for me to be nonbinary, I am looking forward to exploring how others lived experiences can help shape my own. I want to try to experiment with the way I dress and present myself while on this trip- as I hope to gain more confidence in both in San Francisco and when we come back.
Through this experience, I hope to gain more skills that will help me finish the rest of my time at UW- Eau Claire. I hope I learn how to become more confident in myself, my identity, and my abilities. I want to learn how to be a future queer teacher that students can go to in order to help them explore their own identity. I hope to take what I learn in San Francisco and translate it to give as immersive as an experience as possible, so students who attend our weeklong film festival learn from other queer experiences that might not be highlighted as much in Eau Claire as it is in San Francisco.
As I sit and write out how I feel pre–San Francisco, I can’t help but feel grateful to be chosen for this experience- and in addition, grateful that I get to work with the other students and staff members in our co-hort. After living these past couple years isolated from other people and being stripped from attending numerous in person events, I believe that this trip and experience as a whole will feel like a monumental time in my life, where I look back and feel lucky that I took the opportunity to go and immerse myself in all the culture, life, and celebration of queer excellence that San Francisco has to offer.
I am leaving for San Francisco in four days, and I feel that this experience will be life changing.
