Man Adjacent
Getting perceived as a woman and subsequently harassed for the first time in my life is a very strange experience. Getting harassed twice within a mere couple of days is even stranger.
“Ma’am you should smile more, it’s a beautiful smile.” Trying to sell me a jazz CD as I’m just going to find an ice cream shop.
“What’s up girlies?” Said from a car window as I stand with friends and wait for a Lyft back to our condo.
My initial reaction to these comments was irritation. I was annoyed they thought of me as a woman, I was annoyed at what they were saying, and I was annoyed that it even happened at all. I kept getting stuck in this cycle of thinking about these men over and over again — it made it especially worse because I have the awful tendency to think of very clever responses hours after the fact. Could I have responded in some clever and sassy way that would throw off their attempts of talking at me? Yes. Did I do any of that instead of just moving along silently? No.
Right before we left for this trip, I started actively changing my appearance. I let my hair grow long and changed the types of clothing I wore, going from hoodies to patterned pants and shawls. I no longer fit the mold of just “plus size straight man”. I was, and still am, something different. Other people outside of the queer community perceive me as something different. Their gut reaction is that I am categorically a woman due to my appearance. I decided to be comfortable in my clothes and for that I am no longer socially a man.
After these incidents, I started thinking: was the changing of my appearance worth the increased chance of being referred to by she/her pronouns? Was the changing of my appearance worth getting called by the correct pronouns — which internally even before still didn’t describe what I felt? I have no plans to transition medically because it just doesn’t feel right for me. The idea of being trans in many non-queer peoples brains is the full shift from one end of the proverbial “slider” to the other — but at the end of the day that doesn’t fit what I want for myself. I still want to be referred to with he/him pronouns, but I am not what society would consider a “man”. I do not consider myself a “man”.
Spending countless amounts of energy correcting every stranger I come across is just too time consuming. I don’t have the energy to correct someone who likely doesn’t care. I could be putting that time into making myself happy instead of correcting someone I will know for less than 5 seconds. I am incredibly thankful and often find it very funny when others get upset on my behalf — but I spent countless years in my early days of transition getting upset over that sort of thing.
Do I wish that the idea of gender for non queer people was challenged daily? Of course.
Is challenging that gender status going to take a long time and I may not see the product of it at this stage in my life? Absolutely
At the end of the day, I know who I am, and I know what I want out of myself. I know the set of pronouns that make me happy, and they are not confined within the ideas of non queer gender. I am a person that uses he/him pronouns, but I no longer want to be someone that people look at and their first thought about me is that I am a man that conforms to gender roles produced by society.
I don't have the energy to fit in anymore, and my clothes look wonderful for it.
