Curiosity

We are on the plane to San Francisco. It’s been a stressful day thus far but now far overshadowed with excitement and anticipation among the group. I wanted to wait this long to write this journal because I was almost in denial that we would be leaving so soon for the trip. I haven’t had much time to prepare or anticipate the trip. Each time I’ve done so–looking at the films, brainstorming presentation ideas, etc.–I’ve become overwhelmed with unfamiliarity and almost a fear of the unknown. While I am incredibly excited and grateful to be going on this trip, the amount of material and pieces that are thrown at us in preparation has been incredibly unsettling for me, having no idea what to expect. I’ve been trying to think about what my days will be like or how I’ll spend my time in San Francisco because so much of the group has been there and have created these “bucket lists” with things they wished they’d done last time. I just hope I can settle and feel comfortable enough to truly enjoy it and take it all in. The overwhelming nerves and confusion are starting to transition into anticipation and excitement, which is a good sign for what’s to come. 

I cannot wait to experience what all the returners have spoken so highly of. I have been reminded lately of my experiences in Valencia and how incredible the celebrations of queerness shaped and impacted me last summer in Spain. I have yet to be lucky enough to experience something similar in America. I’ve lately felt so uneasy or uncomfortable sharing my sexuality in situations like giving campus tours or meeting new people. The political climate has been a catalyst for self-doubt and internalized fear of other’s opinions lately. I can’t wait to be surrounded by a community and people that simply and lovingly disregard who I am or how I identify. It will be a long overdue breath of fresh air to feel ‘normal’ (whatever that means), accepted, and even embraced by an unfamiliar community without feeling a need to compensate for my sexuality, fight for respect, or feel like an urge to ‘prove’ myself in some scenarios. 

While I have feelings of uncertainty and unfamiliarity, they pale in comparison to the excitement and optimism that I feel for being able to truly immerse myself in a queer community the way we will be able to do so on this trip. I feel and know that exciting things are ahead, and I cannot wait to see how I flourish, grow, and develop throughout—and as a result of—these next two weeks.