I’m stuck as myself

Last year when coming to San Francisco I had a whole queer revelation about not needing to waste my energy on explaining the complexities of my gender to every stranger I pass, not needing to fit into any mold or standard for what he/him pronouns look like, and how a renewed sense of relief was with me because I was not a queer outlier in masculine spaces — I was just man adjacent.

I did not have one of those this year, and for this whole trip I have felt stuck. I wanted this place to give me a new outlook on life, a new and more loveable way of expressing myself just like I did last year. I have felt like I needed to produce a written piece of the same eloquence — a work containing the same philosophical nature of queer identity and what it means to exist as someone so obviously different.  

I did not have this revelation or any of that kind — but that is a good thing I think.

My identity has been blooming and changing since I was 13. I’m 22. Nearly a decade of constant change has been ingrained into my identity, which means to finally start going without it is a strange experience.

I am comfortable with who I am — I don’t need any queer epiphanies or revelations in my life at this time. Every part of who I currently am is unabashedly me — and isn’t that strange. Some queer people go their entire lives changing how they present in drastic ways even on a day to day basis — but for me I’ve currently found a way of expressing myself that I’m comfortable with. My comfort doesn’t fit into the realm of normalcy in any capacity — but I do get compliments on my clothes quite a lot more.

I still have words on how it feels to always be seen as a woman — no matter how much I change my hair, clothes, or voice. It sucks, it’s tiring, I’ve given up being a man to strangers therefore I must be a woman. It is one in a hundred people who will refer to me as “sir” — both here and in California. Shocker, I know. I cannot spend my time correcting every stranger or correcting my appearance to fit their preconceived notions.

I wanted San Francisco to try and show me what it means to have this new queer joy again, but it already showed it to me once, so it cannot show me what it’s already given me. I’ve no plans or ideas to be drastically different from the me of a year ago so what else is there for me to find?

There is nothing new for me to find — there is only myself and the revelation that I am ok with myself as queer person. I have found the place I want to be, what I want to look like, how I want to talk to others — I’m stuck but I’m not hurt. I’m stuck but I’m not frustrated or upset. I’m stuck but I’m not looking for a way out. I’m not looking for a future where I am different — because myself from a year ago has already found that future within the me of today.

To the public I am a queer individual. To strangers I am a woman. To my job I am a man. To my friends I am just a little guy. To myself, I’m just Scout. And it’s ok to be stuck as just myself.