How Do You Even Start One of These Things, Let Alone the LAST One…?
It’s been about a month now since I was in California… To say I came back from California a different person would not do the trip justice of just how remarkable it was.
I was face-to-face with so many of my insecurities, but also my previous prejudices that I had about people or topics that I didn’t understand fully. To be honest, it’s hard to try to encapsulate all of those feelings and emotions that really occurred during that two-week trip. One of the most common occurrences in Cali was that people, no matter where you went or what you did, didn’t judge you. And to be abundantly clear, not a single ounce of judgement. Take what you believe a judge-free space is and multiply that by at least 100 times. One silly, but very grounding experience was when a group of us went to the lesbian bar, Mother. Specifically, when walking to the bar, we are all clearly dolled up and in our going-out clothes, and I got catcalled, not once, but twice. But it wasn’t heckling like it would have been in Eau Claire. Even though it was catcalling, I didn’t feel unsafe around those who were calling at me. However, when that had happened previously here in Eau Claire, I did feel unsafe. Even in the scary or uncomfortable situations that occur, I felt safer in San Francisco.
Being back in Eau Claire has made me realize that we (as queer people) will always have work to do. The unfortunate reality of being different from what’s considered “normal” is that those who are different get thrust into a position of having to educate those who are too ignorant to do it themselves. I have been witness to, and directly experienced, what it means to educate somebody about someone's gender or the importance of pronouns to more people than I can count. To be honest, I’m tired of it, and I think I always will be. But that has never stopped me, nor can I let it. And quite frankly, neither can you. Because at the end of the day, if I’m not the one who does it, who will? Will the person I’m talking to ever want to learn again? Or will that one moment be their “I know how to talk to queer people now,” as if it’s just one topic or one moment or even one conversation that can encapsulate our years and years of history in a single conversation, let alone a day.
Looking back, I believe this is one of many reasons that I resonated so much with the experience of going to San Francisco. There was no inherent need to educate those around you. They already understood, or if they didn’t, they didn’t slather it across their bodies or faces. Quite frankly, being there for two weeks, learning to navigate the city, and really learn the intricacies of communication in a space where queer people have existed for years, has made me realize just how uneducated the rest of the world, let alone our nation, really is. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve really had to grapple with now that it’s been about a month since the trip.
For two weeks, I felt free. Free to be my true, authentic self without any filters. Of course, there are always consequences (both positive and negative) to doing so. For example, now I’m dealing with the consequence of having to re-learn how to navigate life in a space where you have to pass more into a binary (in either direction) to get jobs and earn respect among the older generations of people.
I’m realizing now, as I'm writing this blog, that this trip has changed my life in more ways than I thought. Realistically, I probably won't even realize just how much it has changed me until another moment like this occurs. I cannot really put into words how thankful I am to be able to go on this trip and with the group of people I got to go through it with. Also, at the point in time when I did. Looking back at the trip, I can honestly say I don’t know if I would have ever really gotten closer to some of my peers without this trip. This experience has been nothing short of life-changing, in all the best ways. Even if some of those truths come with some uncomfortable things to deal with. But that’s the point, isn’t it? To go to a place where everyone can go and be free of judgment and to be yourself without any restrictions. In doing that, you are forced to really grapple with your own issues, but also your strengths. If you have read this far, you’re either someone who knows me, someone who is learning about Q-Fest, or Kallie, Em, or Chris, to whom I say, thank you. From the very deepest and most intricate parts of my soul, I say thank you for taking a chance on me. Jade: Someone who had never attended Q-Fest, someone who had no film-related minor, major, or even certificate, to bring to probably the queerest place on earth to watch the queerest films during one of the most historic moments in our lifetimes. So, thank you. Truly, thank you.
Have a wonderful day. Much love, always.
Jade Mari Polanski
