San Francisco, My Muse
“Maybe it's the way the clouds are painted, a perfect shade of yellow all across the sky. Maybe it's the way the times are changin', and I'm stuck in the middle, frozen in a fire. But, baby, you're on my mind.” – Alex Warren
At this point, we have been back in Eau Claire for almost an entire month. It’s been great and not-so-great at the same time. While I enjoy being back in my own bed, cuddling with my cat, and spending time with my friends, I can’t get San Francisco out of my mind. It’s like that one ex who was the one that got away, who still seems almost too good to be true. I will always miss San Francisco when I’m not there; a never-ending and persistent ache in my heart. Both times that I’ve gone on this trip, I have been irreversibly changed in many ways I cannot explain. I’ll try my best to highlight some of these changes in this post, though.
This experience has influenced me as a queer person, my overall identity, and my relationships with other queer people in significant ways. As a queer person, this immersion has brought me so many valuable lessons and encouragements that would have been difficult to achieve if I had remained in Eau Claire. Being in such an overtly politically charged city such as San Francisco reminded me that there are people everywhere who are fighting alongside myself and the people I love. It allowed me to be a truer version of myself and to explore what being queer meant to me. I have felt the most comfortable in my spirit and in my skin I have ever felt while on this immersion, which showed me that living my best life is possible.
Regarding my overall identity, there are similar effects as to what I stated previously, but there are a few more things I’d like to mention that I’ve noticed in myself. I have become more confident in both myself and my abilities. I have been able to come out of my shell on many occasions, and I have been reassured that my thoughts and opinions have a place in the spaces that I occupy. I have grown in empathy and knowledge through each and every experience that I had throughout my time there. Additionally, I have become a competent and capable traveler and honestly just a more well-rounded human being, which I know will aid me in my future professional and personal endeavors.
For my relationships with other queer people, I am so grateful for the developments I have had both with people I already knew and people who were just passing through my life. The entire cohort (both this year’s and last year’s) has impacted on my list of some of the closest friendships I have and people that I appreciate/admire the most. The growth that I’ve been able to see blossom in not only our friendships, but in other’s identities and courage, has been nothing short of life changing. I have grown to love the people around me, and I’m proud to say that many have grown in their love for themselves, both as a queer person and in general. Even the people I met in San Francisco who wouldn’t ultimately stay for the long haul brought me joy and appreciation for them and the community. Whether I was waiting in line for a film or attending an event, every single person was so open to having a conversation. Each conversation was different, and not all made it beyond surface-level, but they left a footprint on my soul regardless.
In several aspects, this experience has also further transformed my understanding of the ways in which institutions maintain the dominant assumptions that influence the development of individual identities. Many of the representations of this concept were expressed through art, whether it be in one of the films that I watched or in the murals I saw while exploring the city. Wherever I went, I witnessed people who constantly had to fight against dominant institutions in order to be true to themselves. Unfortunately, there were instances where those dominant institutions still had sway over people and situations, including in films themselves or even in the process of creating films. Although those institutions think they are stronger, we know we are, and I believe that the fight for freedom in every individual’s life will never cease until it is won.
Even though living in Eau Claire can feel like a weight I am forced to drag around, trips like this one have made that heaviness lighter, especially when there are people willing to help me carry it all. I appreciate Eau Claire for what it is, but I will never forget how San Francisco radiated a sense of belonging and gave me a refreshing wind beneath my wings. I will do my best to not only carry but disperse the lessons and joy that I have been gifted by this immersion as I go about my daily life. San Francisco, my muse, I can’t wait for us to meet again.
