The Sinking Hole in My Heart :(

Hello chat, we have officially ended the San Francisco trip. As the title suggests, this hurts more the more it sinks in. During the trip, I was excited to go home to go home and see my cat and my room in all honesty. I love my personal space when I can get it, so it was nice to be back and be in my own space to reflect and think on how things have gone. I waited a little bit before writing my final blog, I felt that the more that it sank in the better I can describe all my feelings and thoughts after the film festival. Getting back to the first week was heartbreaking, I did not have work to distract me since I took it off to rest after a long trip. I loved San Francisco and everything it had to offer, the food was great, the people were welcoming, and it felt like I could leave my shell in this place. There was so much to see and do and so much space for Queer people to be happy and be themselves. What I miss the most is all the above, but also the community. It really is not something you can truly replicate in Wisconsin; it is just not the dynamic that we have. The fact that I could walk down the street and just go to a Sapphic tea party or be in a comic store that has all queer comics and novels will baffle me, because that was normal there, and it is not here. Of course, when you are on vacation (I know this is a job but also a vacation!) you have all the high feelings of being happy and excited for the next day and then it goes back down to the sad old times of the Northwest. Although I put it that way, I am happy to be back, you can only take so much movie watching.

Now on the flip side I am very happy to be home also, except for the weather, fear mother Earth. But on a real note, I did miss my cat and my room, as previously mentioned I love the room and everything in there. I also find that watching movies in my room is more enjoyable than a theatre. That's obvious just because I think most people prefer their home, but I prefer it just because I’m a yapper. I have so much to say during movies that I cannot shut up, so I must comment to myself whenever something happens that's dramatic or be frustrated with a movie outwardly instead of after a movie. My attention span is also better when I can be at home, I find it hard to just stare at a screen in silence unless it’s a horror movie, because if you don’t look fast enough you might miss something you meant to watch. So, being at home has been a blessing because I feel more like I am at home. It’s also the first time of watching the films alone, which I personally think has a slight impact on how I view the movie afterwords. Instead of going back to the condo and talking about the movie, I get to sit with myself and decide how I really liked it, some movies I was persuaded to like a little bit which isn’t bad. Having different perspectives from others can be amazing input but it also can be nice to sit with it yourself and kind of process more than you could in the theatre.

Overall, like everyone else I miss San Francisco and its beautiful weather and clear skies, but home always has a place in my heart. I did miss my family dearly and even when coming back they are still far away from me, so I can say that I was homesick for sure and kind of needed peace after the chaos. Although I did learn a lot from San Franscisco, I learned that the Queer scene is more alive than ever there, and it really does have places to prosper amongst the policies and politics that can really ruin it all. There was support everywhere you turned, and you felt safe and comfortable walking into an establishment and not getting odd looks or being questioned about your identity. It’s a melting pot, people of all colors, shapes and sizes, everywhere you turn there is someone there to have your back. Most of all I learned that in San Francisco anything seems to feel possible there, that change can happen for states like Wisconsin. It makes me excited to hope for a good future in politics, but also just our personal lives and what it’s like to be carefree and content with where we are and in who we are.