Feeling (In)Valid and Searching for Something

In my life, identifying as a queer person in Eau Claire (especially in Altoona) has left me with mixed feelings. Most of the time when I’m out and about, I feel welcome and accepted, while other times I feel suffocated and othered. It’s amazing to have the privilege of usually feeling positive emotions connected to my identity, but it can also be difficult to shake the feelings of negativity once they arrive. Honestly, just the 10-minute drive difference between Eau Claire and my hometown of Altoona gives me emotional whiplash.

The stories I’ve heard about San Francisco are difficult to conceptualize in my brain because I know I’ve never experienced anything like it. The idea of living in a place where essentially the “default” and/or most common experience is being queer is beyond my own imagination. I’ve hit a point where I’m afraid that San Francisco won’t live up to the expectations that others have fed to me and that I’ve built up in my own head. I am also afraid that it will be everything and more. But I’m also very excited.

Recently, stemming from an interaction I had with the rest of the people in this cohort, I’ve realized that I’m not sure if I am firmly planted in my identity. We discussed the concept of the common saying, “Do you think I would choose this?” in context of whether or not sexuality (or other types of identities) is a choice. Some people genuinely wouldn’t choose anything else than to be queer because they are confident in themselves and their identity. Other people feel the opposite way and would immediately discard their queer identity if it was indeed a choice. Somehow, I feel like I am stuck in the middle of the two.

As I’m writing this, it reminds me of a poem that I wrote and had the chance to perform last year (which I have included below for your viewing pleasure). It’s one of my favorite poems I’ve ever written; I feel that it succeeds in capturing the essence of my experience with being queer. I think I’ll definitely have to make time in San Francisco to write poetry, because I have a feeling that I’ll have plenty of muses. Poetry is one of my favorite expressive outlets, and I believe that the power of written (and spoken) word has the capability of bringing even the most juxtaposed humans together. Even for just a moment.

―A Profession of Expression―

I am plunging to a watery grave

Blazing meteorites secured upon my decaying form

Rings of life escape my body and levitate to the surface

My vision fluttering to darkness

Dragged away from loved ones

A tightlipped outcast of society

Tears uniting with the deepening water

My fists clench, my soul awakens

I survey my surroundings

A familiar form approaches

My vision is blurred

Still, I observe a shimmering blade setting me free

A fresh sense of freedom is bestowed upon me

I hurl myself up through the waters

My body is aflame with determination

As I breach the barrier, my lungs wail

A battle cry gradually emerges from within

Expanding from a whisper to the ceiling of decibels

I profess myself in spite of the waves

Not only for me, but for those alongside