Just a Few Thoughts and Thangs
We have been in San Francisco for about 10 days now, and I have had a lot of fun. The films so far have been good, with a few exceptions. Only one, however, has struck me as particularly impressive, El Houb (The Love). It was a visually interesting coming-out story of a middle-aged man battling for his parent's acceptance by locking himself in their closet, just as he would when he was a kid. It was humorous but incredibly tense and confrontational at times. It was generally a great film. Beyond that, however, the films have been good, but nothing has jumped out at me quite how El Houb did.
Beyond the films, I have had wonderful experiences otherwise. Seeing the city, the diversity, and the acceptance of queerness in this area has been intense. It certainly is a jarring difference in culture. In this culture shock, I have been able to go outside of my comfort zone with the food I'm eating and where I am spending my time. As I hoped, it has given me a lot to reflect on and process. I have made huge personal strides in my ability to be more spontaneous. I had a discussion regarding control with Chris the other day over lunch. We discussed how vulnerability and a sense that one has lost control can be debilitating. This is something I struggle with, and I really wanted to use this trip to try to process that a bit more.
Juneteenth was the most notable day for me when pursuing that goal of being spontaneous. I wanted to go to a celebration, but unfortunately couldn’t find one that seemed authentic enough. So, I decided a reflective run would be the best way to honor my ancestors. I know that a simple run does not seem to be very spontaneous, but it was not the run itself that was worth noting, but my destination. I walked out of the condo, just planning to do hill runs up the block to the dead-end street. Instead, I got the sudden motivation to run to the top of twin peaks to face my fear of heights. It was hot, very steep, and slightly terrifying. I made it to the top and reflected on who I am, and how I overcame my fears and challenges. It was an extremely valuable experience for me. Since then, I have trekked to the top of the peaks two other times. Only the last time I went did I make my way to the higher and steeper peak. It was terrifying but so satisfying to sit at the summit. Atop the mountain, there was a raven. The raven did not fly away when I approached the end of the peak where it rested. The spiritual part of me believed it was there for a reason, and there was lesson to be gained from finding and reflecting on the bird. But the skeptic in me doesn't seem to agree. It very well could have just been a bird hanging out in its natural habitat.
I'm looking forward to pride, but people keep asking me if I'm excited. I would say I am, but I can’t. This is not because I'm not looking forward to it, I simply don't know what to expect, therefore, I can't say I'm surprised. I don't know what to be excited about. I'm excited to see what it will be like, but that's about it. Besides that, I don't want to place too many expectations on it. I am just trying to maintain the “go with the flow” mentality. It has been good for me this far, and I hope I can carry that energy through the rest of the trip.
However, the anxiety about potential violence is slowly becoming more and more potent. I like to tell myself that there is nothing to worry about, but with Roe V. Wade having just been overturned, the threat of radical conservative Christian nationalism is rapidly becoming more present. Those worries are exhausting and I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to be debilitated by my anxieties. I will have no choice but to face those fears, I am sure I will be better for it.
