Reflections on the Appearance of Gender

There is an assumed default setting for everything. People ask when I will finally shave my body hair or when I will grow out my hair. I think that it is strange that within the binary structure of gender, women are meant to have long hair on their heads, but their bodies should be hairless. Men are allowed to have body hair and should keep the hair on their heads short. The expectations are everywhere. I thought there was a general hilarity and irony in shaving my head for a year while letting the rest of my body hair grow, telling people, “The only thing I shave is my head.”  After I shaved my head, people asked me why I did it. When I didn’t have a good reason for them, they scoffed and said it was only excusable with a reason. My grandfather was the one that told me if I had a friend with cancer, he would have understood, but it was unreasonable that I should do it just because I wanted to. When it comes to action, women must have a good enough reason. Simply wanting to do something or not wanting to isn’t good enough. When rejecting a man, they want to know why and may not leave you alone unless your “no” has a good enough explanation behind it. Especially with the overturning of Roe, we are shown that we cannot have a reasonable expectation of choice or ownership over our bodies. The patriarchy tells us that men have the dominion over women. Capitalism reinforces that patriarchy and profits off the necessity of the expectations and power over women. Tell women they need to shave and sell more razors. Make women insecure over their looks and sell more makeup, clothes, surgery, meal replacements... Tell the men that being aggressive is manly and right, and they will have the confidence and authority to physically fight for and take what they want. Women must do so with words and reason.

Nudity is legal in San Francisco. I have now seen several regular people walking around with their penises shining in the daylight, but with no surprise I have seen no vaginas. There have been some boobs out, but not many and only at the dyke and trans marches. The most interesting part of the nude men is that they don’t seem to be doing anything when they’re out. They stand on corners or walk up and down the street. When I see a man standing naked in public it feels like a threat, if I saw a female body I would be very concerned for her safety. She would be open and vulnerable. Granted, I don’t have pleasant experiences, or maybe I am just prone to victimizing myself. They are brazenly showing their members supposedly just because they can. I could probably name every moment in my life that I have felt I should or would do something just because I can. Theoretically, I can always do that, but it felt like a secret that I learned late in life. When I started doing that, the amount of shock I received from everyone around me as I shifted was astonishing. It was like I was a different person, but only in the way I was treated.

It does something to you when people who used to look at you affectionately look instead with nostalgia for who you used to be or malice for who you present to be now. They wear the distress on their face when they look at you and forget that the person standing in front of them is the same as before, just changed in outward appearance. It happened with everyone I knew. My sister still tells me how beautiful my long hair was and what a shame it was to have chopped it all off. And I know what you're thinking:, “fuck ‘em. Their opinions don’t matter.” The worth of women does not begin or end with their appearance, but it makes it a lot easier to get what you want and feel accepted when you look the part. I gave up privileges I didn’t know I had to prove a point. Whether it is the futility of youth, or the absurdity of the nude body in public, your appearance is your performance. It is the character you play to those around you. Some people can see through the appearance to who you really are, and others only see what they want you to be. I still find myself wanting to opt out of the entire system. This trip forced me to see the world around me in a different perspective, learn new references, and face the wall I had built around me. In all honesty I felt unprotected and unfamiliar. I wanted to be someone who helped people see through the fallacies of the world, but I closed myself off along the way. I don’t know if I will ever open again.