San Francisco Deyne Wears Dresses
Packing for the trip to San Francisco was a bitch of an ordeal, for many reasons. I was paranoid about my checked bag being over the 50 pound weight limit (it ended up being only 27), I was trying to maximize space in my suitcase as much as possible (I learned how to do a thing called a ranger roll, like I’m a fucking Navy SEAL or something), and I was praying to whatever greater force there is in the universe that my shampoo and conditioner bottles wouldn’t accidentally explode all over my clothes (because of course, I didn’t have a big Ziploc bag to put them in).
But on another level, I was also conflicted about what I was going to pack, what clothes I was actually going to bring with me. At first, I was just planning to throw in my usual t-shirts, jeans, button-ups attire, but then I was struck with the realization that coming to San Francisco was providing me with a unique opportunity – to choose who I wanted to be and how I wanted to present myself to the world. I realized that nobody here knows who I am, nobody has any preconceived notions about my expression, and so I had the chance to essentially start fresh and recreate myself from scratch – leave behind Eau Claire Deyne and figure out who San Francisco Deyne is. And as of now, I’ve come to find that San Francisco Deyne really enjoys wearing those cute dresses that Eau Claire Deyne bought, hung up in the closet, and never dared to wear out in public. In fact, multiple people, strangers on the street, are actually complimenting San Francisco Deyne and the cute dresses he’s wearing.
I learned pretty early on during this trip that, in San Francisco – especially in the Castro District – a boy(?) in a dress isn’t exactly the most radical or mind-boggling thing you’ll ever see. If the people on the street pay basically no attention to the men walking around Castro wearing only a sock on their cock, then they’re not exactly going to stop and gawk at me wearing a black-and-white maxi dress with little flower decals. In San Francisco, I’m just another person walking down the street who just happens to be wearing a dress. No questions, no patronizing compliments from cishet people, just me going down the street to Walgreens being able to wear whatever the fuck I want and be whoever the fuck I want to be.
But as much as I’ve come to appreciate San Francisco Deyne and his ability to not care what other people think, we’re nearing the end of the trip and I have to confront the fact that we’re going home soon. I have to admit that I’m worried about reverting back to a state of complete Eau Claire Deyne. To be honest, I don’t want to feel like there are 2 of me anymore. I don’t want to feel like I have to become a different person in Eau Claire or San Francisco. My hope is that I can just merge these two selves I’ve developed, bringing the confidence of San Francisco Deyne into my life in Eau Claire.
I feel like my own understanding of my queerness and gender expression has developed and shifted so much over these past two weeks, and my biggest fear while preparing to go back to Eau Claire is that I’ll give in to the pressure to hide myself again. It’s so easy to feel unapologetically queer in a place so unapologetically queer as San Francisco, but that’s oftentimes not the case back home. So my hope is that I’m able to take some of that collective queer sense of pride and courage that I’ve felt among the people here and bring it with me to Wisconsin. In my mind, I envision it almost like a candle, a strong steady source of warmth and comfort, and it’s my job to keep it burning.