Thank You, Coping Mechanisms!
It’s difficult being so sensitive. My parents have always said I have a “big heart”, and it’s definitely showing on this trip. I feel like the things I’m seeing and doing are taking more of a toll on me than my friends. Navigating crowded stores. Climbing up hilly sidewalks. Watching emotionally taxing films. Small occurrences build up in my body until it becomes too overwhelming. I find myself seeking a few minutes alone throughout the day to decompress. I listen to music by myself for at least 15 minutes every morning.
After each long day, I sit in my bed and allow myself to scroll Tik Tok and turn my brain off. There is so much new stimuli to take in that it becomes overwhelming.
Even though it’s exhausting, it’s also thrilling. I love big cities. I love that a slice of pizza or cup of coffee is only a five minute walk away. I love deciphering the different subway signs and trying to figure out which one goes where. I love that I am surrounded by people, but I don’t need to talk to them. I want to live in a big city someday. I feel like I belong here.
I grew up in the Chicago suburbs, and in the past few years, I’ve been exploring more and more of the big city. Some of my favorite memories as a kid were taking the Metra downtown. I’d always sit on the upstairs part of the train, look out the green-tinted windows, and fantasize about all the treasures I would see at the American Girl Doll store in Water Tower Palace. I loved the rumbling of the train that I could feel through my feet. I loved listening to and memorizing each stop. My dad would lay down for a nap and say “wake me up when we get to Fox River Grove”. I don’t think I knew it then, but these memories prove that I am meant to live in a place that is bigger and more important than I am.
San Francisco, however, feels much more special than Chicago. It is a place that is meant for queer people to come and be themselves. With pride flags on every lamp post, rainbow banners in front of every business, and LGBT signs on every crosswalk, it’s almost overwhelmingly gay. I feel like a straight person might be mildly uncomfortable with just how decorated the Castro is.
It’s hard to think that a place like this exists year-round. While walking back to our condo, my friends and I like to fantasize about the people who live in the houses around us.
“Can you imagine this being your front door?”
“I know! Like, you just get home from work and this is what you see?”
“Or you open the window in the morning, and this is your view?”
I have to tell myself that this type of community comes with a lot of privilege.
These people don’t have to worry about catcalls or discrimination or hate speech. It’s a whole different world.
So as much as I love San Francisco, I don’t think I could ever live here. I think it’s important to stay connected to current issues that people are facing. If I lived in the Castro district, I feel like I would view the world with a rose-colored lens. Inclusivity and safety is important, and I have definitely benefited from living in such a place. However, I wish this level of inclusivity existed everywhere.
