What Makes ME Queer?
Hello!! So, we have reached the end of our time here in San Francisco. Land of surprisingly cold temperatures and prices that match the altitude. And while it is sad that I will be leaving, I’m SO ready to sleep in my own bed and steal my roommate's cats.
But San Francisco and the Frameline Film Festival have taught me a lot about myself. About who I am creatively, what I can do with the time and talent I've been gifted. But through all the filmmakers and actors I've met, and the 42 films I've watched while here, I’ve been faced with a question that I can’t really avoid anymore. A question I was asking before I even filled out the paperwork. What makes ME queer? I'm part of the Q U E E R Fest cohort, at the Q U E E R film festival, watching films made by Q U E E R people, expressing and talking about their Q U E E R experiences. But why am I here? I’ve been scouring my brain and saying the word queer so much it doesn't even sound like a real word anymore. But it’s been on my mind for a reason.
Growing up I was very confident in the fact that I was just like, a “normal” (whatever the fuck that means anymore), straight, cisgender man. And I lived life in that way. But as I looked back at my life, I always noticed something that didn’t fit into the norms. When I was really young, I remember my brother got me a happy meal, and they gave me the one with the girl toy. It was a Bratz doll. And my brother was kinda peeved. He told me that we were gonna go back and get me a boy toy. But when we got home, I opened the toy and started playing with it. Cause I was like, “It’s a toy. I like toys.” But he got mad at me for opening it ‘cause we couldn't return it, and since I was a boy, I shouldn’t be playing with those kinds of toys.
In high school I started painting my nails. And look what happened: my siblings and my mom asking me what's up, why I’m painting my nails when I’m a guy. And then the gay comments came. My brother asked if I was gay, I said no, ‘cause I’m not. And in response he said, “Then don’t paint your nails.” I got my ears pierced, here comes my mom. “Are you gay?” With all these accusations thrown at me it had me questioning myself, whether or not I was “man” enough. I tried using non-binary pronouns for a bit, since I dress and present myself more feminine in some ways. But it didn’t feel right for me, cause I am a man, and I’m proud to be that. I thought maybe I was bisexual. I've kissed guys before, but they were friends and never in any way romantic. I appreciate a man's attractiveness, and while I’m not entirely closed off to the possibility, I don’t see myself with a guy in a romantic or sexual way. I’m attracted to women (or I guess more feminine presenting people). Plus, I’m not really attached to the bisexual label. I tried pansexual as a possibility, but that didn’t really feel right for me to claim either. So, I just stuck with what I thought I knew. I’m a straight man. Cool. But it still didn’t sit right with me.
Then I learned about demisexuality, someone who only experiences sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with another person, falling under the “asexual spectrum.” After learning about that, I was like, “Wait, that’s me. That’s what I feel.” So that’s what I am. I’m demisexual. But then, does that really make me queer? I started thinking things like, am I allowed in queer spaces? Do I go to these queer events? Would I be accepted if I did? What if I’m not queer enough? A bunch of thoughts that kinda made sense but also didn’t at all spiraled around my head for a while. Until I came here. Where I started to find it.
Being in San Francisco showed me people who are comfortable and proud of who they are, and aren't afraid to show it. I felt comfortable, in a way that I hadn’t before. It gave me a better understanding of the people around me, a culture I wasn’t as familiar with as I once thought. And then it clicked. It finally kinda clicked for me.
I had grown up with these subconscious thoughts about myself, who I am, how others see me. How I present. But I’ve grown to be comfortable asking those questions, and realizing what makes me queer. It’s me. And that’s all it has to be. Queerness to me is that I don’t have to fit into any specific box. I don’t fit into the “cishet” norm. It’s just me; I dress, talk, walk, love the way that I want to and that’s that.
What makes me queer is everything that I have grown to be at this exact moment. And I love that. I’m glad being here helped me realize that a bit more. And again, while I may still be learning to understand myself, I’m closer to knowing and accepting these things about myself. Walk’s not done, and it never will be. But hey, there’s something fun about that. So yeah, I’m queer.
