Learning and Growing!
I’ve spent the entire summer trying to figure out what I wanted to write my last blog about. I didn’t know if I wanted to share more about my personal reflections post-San Francisco and how my perspectives on my identity have changed since the entire experience, or if I wanted to share more about the process of building this entire program for our students to enjoy. I think I want to share a little bit of both!
In comparison to how I felt last year, I feel not only more grounded in my identity but feel more assured in identifying as nonbinary both internally and externally, especially in public spaces that aren’t inherently queer. Although I had some of this assurance after coming back from the trip last year, it still felt different coming back where in many ways I still felt a sense of shame in my identity (if shame is even the right word). Surrounding myself with people that not only validated my queerness, but also celebrated it was crucial for me after the cultural shock everyone goes through after going on this trip and this year was no different. Even though at times I still feel like I need to put up a façade for my own safety, I find myself putting it up less and less- especially in comparison to last year. I think part of that is choosing to surround myself with people that will love me for who I am, and eliminating relationships with people where that basic level of acceptance is nonexistent. The person before this experience-both this year and lasts- might not have been at a point in their life where they could recognize that. That to me is progress.
My next hurdle in being more grounded in my identity is translating the confidence I have in public spaces to professional spaces. As a student with one semester left who is getting their first real experience in the career they chose, I am learning not to hide parts of myself for the comfortability of others. I am a current student teacher in a school where I don’t feel confident telling the educators I work with or other students how I identify- with the fear of being perceived as less professional or less capable as an educator. At the time of me writing this, students at my school are only a week into school, and I have already seen students being misgendered, or teachers talking about queer students as if it is an extra burden on them to make a student feel comfortable in their classroom. The world of education is a very scary place in our current political climate, where queer students are some of the most vulnerable pockets of our student population. I want to be in a place where I can start to truly support queer students, where they feel like there is someone in school to make them feel safe. I first need to show that love to myself first before I can help others.
This summer, I have really enjoyed preparing our film festival for students to see. To anyone who is curious on what all goes into preparing Q-Fest, anyone on our cohort will tell you it is a lot of work- but work that is fun, collaborative, and extremely fulfilling. Since coming back from San Francisco, our group has watched an endless list of screeners, narrowed down our favorite films that we think will be the most impactful to students, built an entire website highlighting the best parts of this immersion trip, and are now starting to prepare how we are going to market our film festival to students on campus. This Q Fest experience has given me so much, and has not only helped me grow more in my identity, but has shaped me into a more professional person and student. Most importantly, this experience has taught me how to be a proud queer individual, something that I can’t thank this experience enough for giving me.
